


The Campaign Promise

by AnonJ



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gay Bashing, Gen, M/M, Satire, Westboro Baptist Church Bashing, ect - Freeform, gay bashing bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-25
Updated: 2014-03-25
Packaged: 2018-01-16 22:52:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1364704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonJ/pseuds/AnonJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity... and it still isn't over.</p><p>Welcome to Night Vale.</p><p>Candidate Marcus Vansten gives his campaign promise. Plus, a look at traffic and a word from our sponsors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Campaign Promise

The Campaign Promise

 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity... and it still isn't over.

 

 _WELCOME_... to _**Night Vale**_.

 

INTRO MUSIC PLAYS

 

Candidate Marcus Vansten recently announced that if he is elected for mayor, homosexuals will not be allowed to marry.

 

> “It just isn't natural,” he stated, “Vote Vansten for mayor, I'll bring this town back to it's natural state.”

Well, listeners, I will happily support that stance! If Vansten wins, I will be sure to help bring this town back to it's natural state! I don't need that air conditioner, or these polyester-cotton shirts, or my glasses...

 

Let's have a look at Traffic.

 

> There is a woman, long brown hair and dull brown eyes, lying in a hospital bed. She is dying, and she is lonely. She is allowed visitors, but only those she is related to by genetics or marriage. The hospital calls them family. She does not call them family. Her family was not allowed to visit her. She will not see them again. She will not leave the hospital alive.
> 
> There is a woman, long brown hair and dull wet eyes, sitting in a waiting room. She is healthy, and she is lonely. She is allowed to visit the patients, but only those she is related to by genetics or marriage. The hospital calls them family. She does not call them family. She was not allowed to visit her family. She will not see them again. She will not leave the hospital living.

 

This has been... Traffic.

 

Listeners, Candidate Marcus Vansten has just now announced some more statements on his campaign promise.

 

> “See, allowing faggots to marry is just asking for trouble. Regular marriage has been around for a long time and is a strong principle which doesn't need to change. It will be less meaningful if gays are allowed, and it will open the door to all sorts of crazy behaviors, like marrying a pet.” he stated, at his press release.

Listeners, I, of course, completely agree! Regular marriage is between a man and woman of the same race, and that has never changed, and homosexual marriage will cause the act to lose meaning, unlike divorce. I'm slightly uncertain of what's so bad about the last bit, though, as I can see why someone would like to marry a sweet cat like, say, Khoshekh. _But Cecil,_ you say, _if he's such a good prospective partner, why hasn't someone married him already?_ Sadly, as a cat, Khoshekh does not have legal standing and cannot sign a marriage contract.

 

And now, a word from our sponsors.

 

 

> _“God Hates Fag Enablers. God Sent the Shooter. Thank God for 9/11. Thank God for AIDS. Thank God for Dead Soldiers. Repent or Perish. Don't Worship the Dead. Fear God. Prepare to meet thy God._
> 
> **Westboro Baptist Church**. _God Hates You.”_

 

Listeners, do you ever wonder if you're being biased? You're probably thinking, _But why would Cecil be biased? He always makes sure to inform us of everything we need to know, and what we don't need to know, and what we need to know but need to not know we need to know. Granted, he may go off on tangents such as these, but_ \- Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Listeners, I am afraid- no, not afraid. Concerned. I am concerned that I am not always reporting impartially, especially in regards to the upcoming mayoral election...

 

Speaking of which, Marcus Vansten held another press release today.

 

> “Just think of the children! Faggots can't have kids, and if they try to adopt a kid, they'll just indoctrinate the kid to be gay! The child will never succeed without both a male and a female role model! Vote Vansten; Just think of the children!”

 

… Well. I certainly agree that we must think of the children! Biologically speaking- and I do know my biology (I am very into science these days)- It takes a male and a female human to have a kid, so if marriage is about having kids, than obviously homosexual marriage should be discouraged... and of course homosexual role models will cause a kid to become homosexual... just like straight role models cause a child to become straight.... and a child needs a male and female role model, I know that... I never knew my father, listener, did you know that? It was always my mother and I... I always wanted kids of my own... *Sigh*

 

 

[And Now, The Weather.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8KQmps-Sog&feature=kp)

 

The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home has just held a press release in response to Marcus Vansten's. Though she has no face and no one can look directly at her, I know she is here, as she left a tape recorder on my table, and my cookies seem to have disappeared.

 

> “Hello, listeners. Please do not listen to that rich bigot. Homosexuality is not a sin. When I become mayor, I'll rid this town of discrimination. You're all made out of souls trapped in disintegrating bags of flesh, so I don't really see what the difference is. Also, I threw away your cookies. You shouldn't eat them right before dinner, anyway, you'll ruin your appetite. Carlos _is_ making you dinner, after all.”

He _is_? Um. For those of you who don't know, Carlos, perfectly imperfect Carlos, is my boyfriend. He's a scientist. What's he making?

Well, listeners, it is getting quite late, and I have dinner and a boyfriend waiting, so as always: Goodnight, Night Vale, goodnight!

 

 

_Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor, and produced by Joseph Fink. The Voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at[disparition.info](http://www.disparition.info/), or at [disparition.bandcamp.com](http://www.disparition.bandcamp.com/). This episode’s weather was “Uprising” by Muse. Today's proverb: “Human being”, like “Men working” and “Children playing”, is a sentence with a noun, a verb, and a possibility of an imminent disaster._

**Author's Note:**

> This was a satire I wrote for my English class, so pardon me if it comes off a little OOC at times. All of the quotes in the Words From Our Sponsors were taken off wikiquote.


End file.
